


Narcissus Drowned

by ever_wanderlust



Category: A Pink (Band), EXO (Band), K-pop, f(x), iKON (Kpop), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS, 소녀시대 | Girls' Generation | SNSD
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Art, Art Class With T.O.P, Because Alcohol is Fun, Because K-pop, Dubious Consent, English Teacher Eric Nam, F/F, F/M, Hormones, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Interesting Hair Colors, Lots of Drinking Actually, Lots of kissing, Love Triangles, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Song Joong Ki Teaches Logic Because Why Not, Underage Drinking, V is into Stealing Shoes, cursing, dance, references to Greek mythology
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-28
Updated: 2016-10-29
Packaged: 2018-08-27 11:49:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8400571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ever_wanderlust/pseuds/ever_wanderlust
Summary: [He could only love what caused him pain.] Sehun is a sophomore at college and he thinks he knows all there is to know. He's got a handful of friends and a torn heart. Suffering and growing up seem to go hand-in-hand, but that doesn't mean you can't have a little fun while you're at it.





	1. Call of the Deer

**Author's Note:**

> EXO College AU because I have become ultimate trash. I'll warn you now, it's gonna be a long ride. Relationships are a mess because college. Things might get a little serious; not for the weak-hearted.

**"I can resist anything except temptation."  
** **― Oscar Wilde, _Lady Windermere's Fan_**

 

        It wasn't odd, Sehun thought, for a hunter to chase deer. They were meant to be chased, meant to be killed, and serve a purpose.

        These days, though, he was starting to wonder whether hunters were being lured to them instead, in order to commit the ultimate sin they'd been pursuing—so that it would haunt them until they faded away and their bodies disintigrated into nothing.

        Hence he should’ve known, when Chanyeol told him that Luhan had invited them, that it wasn’t going to end well. He should have known, that when Baekhyun gave him his big eyes and Chen told him he was worrying about nothing, that Luhan could never not have ulterior motives.

        So an hour later, when the four of them were trekking down the hill in semi-darkness, past quiet townhouses and overgrown trees, Sehun was already reprimanding himself for ever agreeing.

        “Whose house was it at again?” Chen was asking, looking back at Chanyeol. His hands were stuffed in his pockets. It was starting to get cold this time of year.

        Chanyeol had his arm around Baekhyun’s neck. “Yixing’s got a new place, Luhan says.”

        Chen scoffed. “Can he afford it?”

        “He’s splitting with someone else from Sunrise.” Baekhyun kicked at a stone, sneakers scraping the sidewalk. “Not sure who, though.” He tossed Sehun a backward glance. “You gonna keep up, Sehun? We’re gonna leave you in the dust.”

       Not bothering to pick up his pace, Sehun just nodded in response and sucked on his lips.

        Baekhyun rolled his eyes at him.

        Chen paused, looking up at a small house. The place was thrumming with music and soft laughter. Chanyeol pulled out his phone, the screen lighting up his face. “Twenty-three forty-two. Yep, this is it.”

        Baekhyun shrugged off Chanyeol’s arm, climbing the front steps two at a time, rushing to reach the doorbell. He rocked back and forth on his heels, practically shuddering with excitement. Chanyeol was behind him by the time the door opened. It was Minseok who answered—Sehun recognized him from his Chinese class. He grinned widely at the sight of Baekhyun, pulling the younger boy in by the arm, Chanyeol immediately following.

        Chen looked over at Sehun, waiting for him to go in. When Sehun hesitated, his expression softened.

        “Don’t worry too much, all right? There’s plenty of people here. Just try to enjoy yourself.”

        Sehun, embarrassed that Chen had felt the need to say anything to him at all, nodded quickly and followed after Chanyeol. 

        It was a lot louder inside than it had seemed. Sehun flinched at the pop music suddenly flooding his ears, but having spent most of his living hours around Baekhyun and Chanyeol, he got used to it fairly quickly. Baekhyun was already in the kitchen, dipping an empty cup into a large tub of jungle juice, pausing to wave at him when he entered. Yixing, who he’d met only once before, shot him an amiable smile before falling back into conversation with a shorter guy beside him. Chen, who had followed in after him, gave his shoulder a reassuring squeeze and joined Minseok, who had retreated to the couch on the other side of the room.

        Sensing carpet under his feet, Sehun looked up to ask whether he should take off his shoes and came face to face with a grinning Luhan. The older boy tilted his head at him, his smile betraying nothing of his true nature.

        “Sehun.”

        “Lu.” The nickname came out automatically. Sehun hated the chuckle that followed.

        “Glad you could make it.” Before he could protest, Luhan grabbed him by the elbow, weaving through the clusters of people that had gathered to dance in the living room. The kitchen was much brighter, wider, the music dull rather than piercing.

        “Hey,” Baekhyun said, nodding at Sehun, “Looks like you caught our little deer.”

        Luhan elbowed Baekhyun. His hand was still curled around Sehun’s arm. Sehun looked up at Chanyeol, who had draped himself around Baekhyun again, with pleading eyes. Chanyeol just smiled wide and winked back.

 _Traitor,_ Sehun thought. Luhan seemed to sense some of the negative energy, because he let go of Sehun’s arm to pour them some jungle juice. When he offered Sehun a cup, the younger boy accepted it immediately, gulping it down—tasting only the fruit punch but feeling the alcohol make its way down his throat.

        He burst into a fit of coughs. All at once, Luhan’s face was too close again, a hand on Sehun’s back, worried expression smeared across his face. “You okay?”

        Sehun nodded, squirming his way out of Luhan’s grasp. “I’m fine,” he said, somewhat hoarsely.

        Baekhyun waved a hand. “Don’t worry about him, it’s not like he hasn’t done this before.” He passed his cup to Chanyeol, who took a sip.

        Luhan furrowed his eyebrows, still studying Sehun. “But… Are you sure—”

        Sehun thrust the cup back at him. “Refill it, Lu.”

        Chanyeol laughed, passing his drink back to Baekhyun. “Don’t go too crazy, Senshine.”

        Sehun didn’t answer. Baekhyun finished off the remainder of the juice he and Chanyeol seemed to be sharing, and then made a sour face.

        “Chanyeol, it’s too hot in here, get off me.”

        Chanyeol, expression that of a kicked puppy, withdrew his arm and shifted to the left. Baekhyun breathed out loudly, as if insinuating, _I can breathe again,_ before scooping up another serving of jungle juice.

        “Doesn’t Yixing have something better for us to drink?”

        A girl had trespassed into their circle, her smile even brighter than Luhan’s, long straight her framing her face. Her cheeks were flushed a soft pink.

        “Eunji,” Chanyeol said, surprised, “since when are you in Sunrise?”

        “I’m not, Amber invited me.” She raised her empty cup in the general direction of the living room.

        Baekhyun laughed. “I swear to god, Amber invites everyone.”

        Eunji narrowed her eyes at him. “What are you trying to say?”

        Sehun couldn’t quite understand it, but despite her words, anything Eunji said seemed to come out good-natured. He found himself smiling, but it faded quickly when Luhan gave him a strange look.

        “So what are y’all majors?” Eunji asked. She was looking at Sehun expectantly.

        “Undecided.”

        “Aren’t you a sophomore now?” Luhan asked. “When are you gonna decide?”

        Sehun bit his lips and didn’t respond. Eunji’s eyes moved to Chanyeol, who had inconspicuously moved closer to Baekhyun again.

        “Music.”

        Eunji nodded appreciatively.

        “Accounting.” Baekhyun said. “Although, that could change depending on what you say.” He winked. Chanyeol looked affronted, but Eunji just chuckled.

        “I’m a biology major, actually.”

        “Oh.” Baekhyun wrinkled his nose. “Maybe not, then.”

        Chanyeol laughed loudly at that, looping his arm around Baekhyun’s neck again and stealing the drink from his hands. He ignored the shorter boy’s protests, tipping the cup back and draining the rest of the jungle juice.

        Luhan handed Sehun his refilled cup. “So are you leaning towards any majors yet?”

        Sehun shrugged. Luhan looked like he wanted to complain about Sehun’s lack of interest, but before he could, he suddenly jerked forward, eyes widening. It took them all a second to realize something had hit the back of his head. Eunji whirled around to see where the object had come from.

        “Sorry!” This was another boy, hair dyed a light orange, stumbling over from the other side of the kitchen with a darker-haired boy in tow. “That was Jungkook. He threw my shoe.”

        The other boy, who looked taller but had a rounder, younger, face, just laughed. “I hate converse,” he slurred, his smirk lazy but endearing.

        “He’s a freshman,” the orange-haired boy said, shaking his head. He had one arm interlocked with said freshman. “Drank way too much.” He extended a hand toward Luhan. “I’m Jimin. Sorry, again.”

        Luhan shook his head quickly, signature smile gracing his face. He took Jimin’s hand. “Not at all.”

        “Not sorry,” Jungkook said cheekily.

        Jimin ruffled Jungkook’s hair. “Dumbass,” he giggled.

        They passed around introductions. The whole while Jungkook simply beamed at all of them like a child that had accomplished some great feat.

        “You don’t look familiar,” Baekhyun said. “You guys thinking of joining Sunrise?”

        Jimin grinned. “Yeah, actually! We’re friends with Hobi. You know him?”

        “Of course we do,” Chanyeol answered. “He’s the best dancer we’ve got.”

        Sehun, who had been quietly finishing up his drink, chose to speak up. “You’re not so bad yourself, Park Chan Yeol.”

        He flushed at the compliment. Baekhyun frowned. “What about me?”

        Chanyeol leaned down to rest his cheek on Baekhyun’s head. “Shut up Baek, we all know how amazing you are.”

        Baekhyun appeared surprised at the sudden contact. He disentangled himself from Chanyeol quickly, eyes finding Luhan. “There a bathroom around here?”

        Luhan turned and pointed at a staircase behind him. “First door on the left.”

        “Thanks,” he said, before dashing off.

        Awkward silence followed in the group. Eunji shifted her weight from one foot to the other, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear. “He gonna be okay?” she asked finally.

        Chanyeol had been staring at the tiles on the floor. He looked up at her. “Hmm? Oh, yeah. Yeah, he’ll be fine.” His eyes wandered to the staircase. “I guess.”

        “Go check on him,” Luhan said, because Sehun knew he’d become quite skilled at reading Chanyeol’s face. Not like it wasn’t an open book already. “You know he’s a lightweight.”

        Chanyeol hesitated, then stuck his hands into his pockets. “All right, well… I’ll be back.”

        Jimin seemed to be struggling with Jungkook, who was swaying on his feet. “I’m gonna get this kid some water. And find my shoe,” he added as an afterthought. He saluted them farewell.

        “I guess I’ll go find Amber,” Eunji said. “I’m afraid that girl is gonna go too crazy, you know?” She gave them a smile. In his head, Sehun was pleading for her to not leave him alone with Luhan, but he hadn’t quite developed telepathic powers yet, despite his desires to do so. Eunji nodded at them one last time before heading into the living room, calling Amber’s name.

        Luhan glanced up at Sehun. “Do you wanna go out back with me? It’s getting kind of hot in here.”

        As much as Sehun wanted to disagree, he couldn’t think of a good excuse not to go. Besides, Luhan knew he got headaches if he stayed indoors too long. So he gave up and nodded, trying not to grimace at Luhan’s broad smile.

        He’d been right, though. It was a lot cooler outside, and they were free from the constant chatter of the people around them, from the strong smells of sweat and alcohol. There was a small wooden porch built out back, encompassed by a few lone stragglers, some smoking, others quiet, living in their own minds.

        Luhan and Sehun leaned against the railing, away from everyone else. Luhan had his back against the rail so he could stare up at Sehun. Something he used to do often, back when they’d been together.

        “How’ve you been?” Luhan asked. For once his voice held no false saccharinity, his tone genuinely concerned.

        Sehun stared straight ahead, directing his gaze at the overgrown grass of Yixing’s backyard. “Fine.”

        “Listen, Sehun.” He swallowed. “I wanted to tell you I’m sorry.”

        “Like you haven’t said that enough already,” Sehun said bitterly.

        Luhan sighed. “I wanted to tell you again, in case you didn’t know. I was angry at you, and—”

        “I _don’t_ want to talk about this, Lu.”

        Luhan took ahold of Sehun’s hand, catching him by surprise. “But I _do._ We can’t just leave things like this—”

        Sehun snatched his hand away. “Yes we can,” he said through gritted teeth.

        “Sehun—”

        “Leave the kid alone already,” someone called from behind them.

        Luhan jumped, and Sehun turned. An intimidating looking blond—probably a senior—was glaring right at them, a cigarette tucked between his fingers. He was lounging on a chair, next to another boy who was also watching them intently. Anyone else who’d been there before had either left or gone back inside.

        Luhan’s eyes narrowed. “None of your business, Kris.”

        Kris, the one who was smoking, shrugged. “I didn’t think it was, Lu, until you started begging. That’s not really fun to watch, you know.”

        His friend laughed, but covered his mouth quickly. “Sorry, Luhan,” came his muffled apology.

        Luhan grabbed Sehun’s wrist. “Let’s go back inside.”

        Sehun shook his head. “I’d rather stay here.”

        The older boy huffed in frustration and dropped Sehun’s hand. “Fine, whatever.” He looked hurt, but despite the sudden pang in his chest Sehun decided he didn’t care. Luhan slammed the door behind him.

        All at once Sehun realized he’d been left alone with a pair of strangers—and a pair of strangers that had witnessed _that_ no less.

        “Thanks,” he said at last. He didn’t like the idea of being saved, but he didn’t know how he could’ve survived looking at Luhan’s face any longer; at the curve of his lips, or the way his eyes didn’t waver when locked on his…

        Kris scoffed, then pulled the cigarette out of his mouth. “I’m not the one you should be thanking,” he said. He cocked his head at the other boy, the one with tanned skin and curious eyes. “Tao here was getting a little restless watching you guys.”

        The boy named Tao bit his lip, and then gestured at the empty chair in front of him. “Wanna sit down?” His voice, which had sounded deep from behind his hand, sounded lighter now, huskier.

        With no other choice, Sehun fell into the chair, feeling both tired and relieved. Kris had gone back to drinking in the smoke from his cigarette, eyes focused somewhere next to Tao’s ear. Tao, on the other hand, was giving him a small smile.

        “Zitao,” he said. “But you can call me Tao, like Kris here. You’re Sehun, right?”

        Sehun nodded.

        Tao leaned forward to grab a rectangular glass bottle off the table in front of him. The bottle had been stripped of any markings and was half full, its liquid contents a light shade of bronze. “We’ve heard a lot about you, you know.”

        “From Luhan?” Sehun sat up a little straighter. “You’re his friends?”

        Kris smirked, momentarily joining in on the conversation. “You could call it that.”

        “We went to the same high school,” Tao explained, before taking a swig of his drink. Sehun couldn’t help but notice how he blinked, very slowly, every time he finished a sentence. “We’ve known him for a while.”

        Sehun laughed humorlessly. “Has he always been like this?”

        Tao stared at him. “Like what?”

        Kris sighed, sounding slightly annoyed. He fixed a steely gaze on Sehun. “He’s only like that when there’s something he really wants.”

        “And what does he want?” Kris had to stare back at him coldly for Sehun to get it. “ _Me_?”

        The blond bowed his head, raising the remains of his cigarette. “Somebody give the kid an award.”

        Tao chuckled, punching Kris in the shoulder and then shooting Sehun an apologetic look. “Don’t mind him, he’s like this with everyone.”

        Sehun raised his eyebrows. “I’m sure.” He glanced at Tao’s drink.

        “You want some?” Tao pushed a strand of black hair out of his eyes and held it out for him.

        He regarded it warily. “What is it?”

        “Not sure, actually. Something Kris mixed up. I think it’s got some fireball whiskey in it, though.” When he met Sehun’s shocked expression, he grinned. “Too scared to try?”

        If there was anything Sehun couldn’t back down from, it was a challenge. He bit back his reservations—after all, if Tao himself had been drinking it, it couldn’t be drugged, could it?—and seized it from the boy’s hands.

        He took a measured sip from the bottle, and then a larger gulp. Tao was right, Sehun could taste the cinnamon from the whiskey. He could pinpoint nothing else, however, save for the general bitterness of alcohol.

        Tao clapped. There was something childlike about his demeanor, something refreshing. It made Sehun smile.

        “So you’re not in Sunrise.” Tao said. He didn’t ask for the drink back, and Sehun didn’t offer to return it.

        “My friends keep asking me to join, but…”

        “Luhan,” Tao finished softly. “You want to avoid him that badly?”

        Sehun shrugged and took another drink. He usually wasn’t a big fan of cinnamon, but diluted this way with other beverages, it wasn’t so bad.

        Kris sighed loudly, having burned away his cigarette. He pressed it against the table, discarded it, and reached for another one. Tao slapped his hand. Sehun touched the bottle to his lips in an attempt to fill the silence.  

        “Wanna know something?” Sehun spoke so suddenly that he startled Tao, making him jump. Kris leaned back in his chair, watching him. “Wanna know why I hate Luhan?”

        Tao pressed his lips into a tight line. “Well, I—”

        “He’s so _fake._ ” Sehun shook his head as if to emphasize his words. “He’s all happy and smiley and he pretends like he cares, when really all he’s trying to do is benefit himself _._ It gets me so fucking pissed.”

        “Aren’t we all like that?” Kris challenged. Sehun’s words had piqued his interest. “Are you saying you’re any less fake than he is?”

        “I’m not… I’m just _me._ I don’t pretend to be something else.”

        “And that makes you better. Acting like an asshole.”

        “ _Kris,_ ” Tao hissed. His eyes were wide. He turned to Sehun, reaching for the mystery drink. “I think maybe you’ve had enough…”

        Sehun pulled his arm back, keeping the bottle out of Tao’s reach. He directed his words at Kris. “You don’t even know me.”

        Kris smirked, lighting another cigarette. “I know you’re not as real as you think you are, Sehun.”

        Sehun scowled, and not knowing what else to do, took another large gulp of the drink in his hand. His face felt warm. Tao was looking at him with a small frown on his face, like he was some lost child. Annoyed, Sehun thrust the remainder of the drink back at him (two mouthful’s worth sloshed around at the bottom). “You can have it back.”

        Tao took the bottle from him, carefully avoiding his hand, as if the slightest touch could set him off. He was smarter than he looked.

        Sehun leaned back in his seat. His head felt heavy, and Kris and Tao’s faces blurred together if he made any sudden movements. After a few seconds of silence he realized the two boys were staring at him.

        “What?”

        Tao leaned forward in his seat. Closer now, Sehun couldn’t help but notice how thick his eyelashes were.

        For some reason, Tao blushed immediately and pulled himself back. Kris seemed to find this amusing.

        “Sehun,” Tao said to him, very slowly. “I think you’re drunk. Do you want us to take you to your friends?”

        Sehun waved away the suggestion. “Baekhyun and Chanyeol are too busy for friends right now.”

        Tao’s face was definitely red. Kris blew out smoke, like a dragon. “Busy doing what?”

        “Well, I’d bet they didn’t even make it out of the bathroom—”

        “There’s no one else?” Why were Tao’s eyes so wide? “No one we can take you to?”

        “Jongdae’s here, isn’t he?” Kris shook some ash out of his cigarette.

        “Chen?” Sehun thought for a moment. “Yeah, I guess he could…”

        “Okay.” And then Tao was on his feet, so that Sehun had to crane back to look at him, squinting suddenly when the lamplight hit his face. Tao didn’t even ask before he stuck his hands under Sehun’s arms, lifting him to his feet with a distasteful lack of effort.

        Sehun wobbled.

        “Whoa, whoa,” and then Tao’s arm was curled around his waist, and as much as Sehun wanted to push him away his hands weren’t working the way he wanted them to. Kris stood up too, his cigarette was gone—did he eat it?—stuffing his hands into his pockets and gesturing for Tao to lead the way.

        Something loud overhead. Sehun winced at the noise, but through the haze he couldn’t quite understand what it was. Tao and Kris were sharing serious expressions; Tao’s was panicked, Kris’s slightly concerned.

        “What do we do?” Tao’s voice was right next to his hair. Sehun wobbled, and Tao took the younger’s boy’s arm, slinging it around his neck.

        “Kris?”

        Kris’ eyes lingered on Tao—longer than necessary, Sehun thought.

        “I guess we can take him back to our place,” Kris said, voice low.

        Tao nodded, and he made to descend the stairs when the backdoor flew open. A boy wearing a ripped pink shirt stumbled onto the porch, eyes wide, a shoe clutched tightly in his hand even though Sehun could see he had both of his own.

        “V,” Tao said, addressing the new arrival, “what’s going on?”

        V hid the shoe in his hand behind his back. “Cops,” he said hurriedly. “Someone called the cops.”

        “Someone _called_ them?” This was Kris.

        V nodded. His eyes went to Sehun, hanging dazedly off Tao. They linked eyes for a moment before he looked back at Kris. “Have you seen Jimin and Jungkook?”

        Tao and Kris shook their heads. Sehun raised his hand, but was ignored.

        “Alright well, I’m gonna take off. I’m sure they’ll be okay.” Even as he spoke, more teenagers were filtering out the back, some calmly strolling out while others felt the need to push hastily past them. Sehun heard loud, angry voices from inside the house.

        Kris grabbed ahold of Tao’s free arm. “We have to move. _Now._ ”

*****

        It was a blur of colors and sound. Sehun had the faint idea that he was walking, and that every now and then Tao would look at him for a very long time. Or maybe he was asking him something? Whatever it was, all he was capable of doing was nodding his head and mumbling the occasional “yeah,” as if it were the only word he knew.

        His vision refocused. Tao was staring at him again. “How’re you feeling?”

        Sehun shook his head, dry-heaved once, and bit back vomit.

        Tao jumped away for a second but grabbed onto him quickly when it seemed obvious Sehun would fall. “Hey, hey,” he said, “it’s okay, we’re almost there.” And then, in a smaller whisper that he might have thought Sehun couldn’t hear: “Please don’t throw up on me.”

        Sehun saluted at him gravely. “I won’t throw up on you, sir.”

        Kris, who had been walking ahead of them, turned around to give Sehun an incredulous look. Tao laughed—right beside him, making his hair move and tickle his ear. “Good work, soldier.”

        Sehun felt a dumb smile spread across his face. A part of him was sending out warning signals, telling him to stop making a fool of himself, but the bigger, drunk part of him didn’t appear to care.

        “Here.” Kris’ voice was louder than expected. Sehun jumped, and Tao chuckled again.

        Kris held his hand out to Tao, palm up. “You’ve got the keys, right?”

        “Oh yeah, right.” Tao procured a set of keys from his pocket. “You don’t have yours?”

        “Not tonight,” Kris said, which seemed awfully cryptic to Sehun—but then again, he could hardly understand a word anyway.

        Tao had Sehun enter first, before stepping into the apartment and closing the door behind him. Sehun could stand on his own now, without tripping. He saluted happily at Tao.

        The boy’s smile was gorgeous. “Are you feeling better now, Sehun? Do you feel like you’ll throw up?”

        Sehun shook his head. “Can I…sit down?”

        “Sure.” Tao gestured at a nearby couch. “Make yourself at home, soldier.”

        The younger boy just nodded tiredly. Sleep couldn’t come fast enough, but he couldn’t seem to find a comfortable position on his newfound couch. There were faint sounds of running water and rustling feet around the apartment. Just when he thought he might be able to fall asleep, however, the doorbell rang, sending him into a mini-frenzy. He sat up suddenly and immediately regretted it, trying to hold back the war in his stomach.

        Tao crossed the living room to answer the door.

        “Is Sehun here?”

        Sehun didn’t have to see a face or be sober to recognize that voice. His heart skipped a beat despite his efforts to contain it.

        Tao seemed uncertain. “Why…do you ask? Did you need something?”

        Luhan peered around Tao, his face coming into Sehun’s view. Even in the dim light Sehun could tell Luhan’s eyes were sparkling. “Hey, I’m here to get you.”

        The boy got to his feet obediently, but Tao was emanating more and more confidence by the second. “I’m not sure I trust him with you for the night.”

        Luhan laughed, a short and sarcastic “ _ha.”_ He walked into the room and took Sehun’s arm. “And you think I can trust him alone with a couple of guys he’s never even met before?”

        Kris, who had been watching silently from the kitchen doorway, decided to speak up before Tao protested. “Just let him go, Zi. I’m sure Sehun will be fine.”

        Tao scanned Sehun’s face worriedly. “Will you be okay?”

        Luhan was warm. Sehun’s fingers slid down and intertwined with the older boys'. “Yes, sir.”

        If Luhan was confused, he didn’t show it. Not waiting for any more objections, he led Sehun out the room and up a flight of stairs, and then out the building into the cold. Sehun was too groggy to even think about where he was being taken.

        All at once he was lying in bed, covers pulled up to his chest. He felt feverish and wondered about taking off his shirt, but couldn’t be bothered to raise his arms. All he wanted to do now was sleep.

        Someone moved beside him. It took a few seconds for a confused Sehun to remember what familiar place he had found himself in. and that it was Luhan beside him. The older boy was closer than he’d first noticed, and Sehun felt a hand snaking down to his waist before tugging at the hem of his shirt.

        He mumbled something in protest, something too garbled to be understood. Luhan just shifted closer, his lips brushing Sehun’s ear, making him shiver even though he was burning up. Luhan’s voice was a low, pleading whisper.

        “I miss you so much.”

        Sehun sighed in response, his heart seeping out between his lips. Suddenly he wanted to cry. He turned so he was facing Luhan, closing the small remaining spaces between them. Luhan’s hand was cold on his bare stomach.

        “I miss you too,” he murmured back. There was something lodged in his throat, and he swallowed, forcing his heavy eyelids open.

        They were so close. If Sehun moved any closer he’d feel the other boy’s eyelashes on his cheeks. The need to cry intensified. Luhan’s eyes were a beautiful, pure brown. _Fake,_ Sehun tried to remind himself, but his other half didn’t care.

        Luhan didn’t wait. He leaned in, pressing their lips together, softly at first, and then hungrily, desperately. Sehun trembled at the sheer force of the kiss, telling himself to pull away but melting into it instead. Luhan pulled away for a breath but he was back within seconds, pressing himself closer, closer. It was as if Luhan’s body was frantically trying to merge with his. He felt fingers trace downwards, sliding under his belt, and he groaned right into Luhan’s mouth.

        Tears formed at the corners of his eyes. He didn’t want this, he didn’t want this, he didn’t _want this—_ but he didn’t have the power to make it stop. All he could do was succumb. He was no better than before, the lost boy who had always harbored the feeling that something was wrong with the way Luhan looked at him, something wrong with the mixture of guilt and adoration in his lover’s eyes. He’d let himself be kissed and played with, because he was no better than a toy; this was what he deserved.

        The lights flickered on, blinding him. Luhan gasped and broke away, shielding his eyes, his breathing heavy, face already glistening with sweat—no doubt from Sehun’s immense body heat.

        “What—”

        “Sehun.” This voice was Chanyeol’s, and it sounded _angry._ He felt a strong grip on his elbow, jerking him out of bed. His hair was a mess, his jeans loose around his waist, his shirt drenched—but none of that mattered. The pressure on his chest was fading.

        “Lu, what the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

        Sehun squinted in the brightness. Luhan was sitting up in bed, mouth slightly open, pretty eyes wide. “How did you—”

        Chanyeol flung something at him. It flashed silver and hit Luhan directly under the collarbone, making him wince. Sehun winced too.

        “Keep your spare key.” His eyes were on fire. “Sehun doesn’t need it anymore.”

        Luhan swallowed, running his tongue over dry lips. “Yeol, I can explain.”

        Chanyeol wasn’t having it. He yanked on Sehun again, who was fumbling to button his jeans. “C’mon,” he hissed. “We’re leaving,”

        “Okay,” Sehun mumbled back, hoarsely. Luhan was stumbling out of bed behind them, but hearing Sehun’s quiet agreement made him stop short.

        Sehun didn’t meet his eyes, letting Chanyeol practically carry him out of Luhan’s apartment. He could’ve sworn Luhan called his name out from behind them then, but this time he didn’t look back.

*****

        “What were you _thinking_?” Chanyeol obviously wasn’t done, even when they were safely back in their dorm room. “You let him take advantage of you?”

        Sehun’s head was reeling. He wanted to sit down. He wanted to explain. “I wasn’t— I didn’t want to—”

        The taller boy let out a pained sigh. Sehun couldn’t figure out why his hair was so messy, his eyes so sad. “Is it my fault?” His voice was softer now. “I’m sorry I didn’t stop him earlier, I thought he was just playing around, and Baekhyun…” he sucked in a breath. “I didn’t think… Sehun?”

        Sehun was crouching down, holding his stomach. “I feel sick.”

        “Here, let me help.” The angry mother bear was gone from his voice. He led Sehun into the bathroom, holding ash gray locks back as Sehun finally heaved up his dinner. Chanyeol didn’t say a word after that, only gazed at the drunk boy trying to compose himself.

        “Go to sleep,” he said, once Sehun was finally done throwing up. He’d provided Sehun with a fresh set of pajamas. “We’ll talk tomorrow.” He reached out to run a hand through his roommate’s hair.

        Sehun allowed himself the small consolation and then climbed into his bed. It was only when Chanyeol had crawled under his covers, turned the lights off and faced the wall, that Sehun finally allowed himself to cry. He curled into a ball, letting the tears soak into his pillow. If only he could make himself disappear.


	2. Lamplight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I already had this chapter ready to go, so I figured I'd just post it. Sadly, next few updates won't be as frequent but I'll do my best! Comments are super appreciated :)

**“We accept the love we think we deserve.”**  
**―** **Stephen Chbosky, _The Perks of Being a Wallflower_**

 

        It was too hot under the covers, and he was wide awake.

        Everything was foggy. Sehun was usually immune to hangovers, but this time was different. He sat up in bed, paying no mind to Chanyeol’s soft, peaceful snoring. He almost smiled; that boy could sleep through an earthquake while a tsunami raged outside his window.

        Maybe it was because he didn’t want to get up, but even the slightest act of lifting his head made his mind freeze with pain. He closed his eyes again, waiting for some of the aching to pass.

        When some of the discomfort faded, he got to his feet, making his way through the room quietly. He grabbed his ID card on the way out—Chanyeol must have retrieved it from the pocket of Sehun’s jeans and placed it on his desk; he couldn’t remember much from the previous night.

        Somehow he still felt like throwing up. Chanyeol and Baekhyun’s solution to this was to stuff themselves with as much fast food as they could get their hands on. Unfortunately, most pizza places weren’t open at five in the morning. Also unfortunate was the fact that this building didn’t have a single vending machine. What kind of bullshit was that?

        So Sehun’s plan involved sneaking out into the dorm next door. Technically, it wasn’t sneaking; his card gave him access to the entire housing unit—the three buildings around Crow Circle. He stepped outside, letting the door click and lock behind him. He passed the sign in front of his building that read “Pearl” in big block letters, making his way across the field, the tall grass scratching against his ankles. It was colder outside than he’d expected, and he pulled his hoodie closer to himself, crossing onto _Ribbon_ territory. Even at this hour, the campus was alive—there was laughter echoing over from one of the senior dorms, and the occasional soft chatter of passerby. 

        Sehun kept his head down, bringing his ID card up to the scanner to let himself in. He didn’t bother pulling his hood down. It was better if he wasn’t recognized as an outsider. He was allowed in, of course, but there were some preconceptions about _Pearl_ residents that were inconveniencing, if nothing else.

        He didn’t have to remember where the vending machines were; he’d been here plenty of times before. He climbed the steps two at a time, cutting across the hall and into the lounge, mind numb to any other thoughts besides those directly related to the sick feeling in his stomach.

        The room was empty, fortunately—Sehun didn’t have the energy to deal with other living beings right now. He stuck his card into the vending machine slot and hit a bunch of options at random. The machine whirred, trying to keep up with his inhuman pace.

        “You’re gonna break it.”

        Baekhyun’s voice was so close to his ear that sober Sehun would have jumped a foot in the air. Still-recovering-from-hangover Sehun just sighed and reached down for his over-expensive snacks.

        “Why you still up so late?” The older boy had his hands crossed behind his back, and he wouldn’t look at him. Sehun just shrugged.

        Baekhyun rubbed the sole of his shoe against a smudge on the carpet. “Is Chanyeol in?”

        Sehun wet his lips. “Asleep.”

        “Oh.”

        Baekhyun looked like he wanted to say more. Usually Sehun was a very non-confrontational person, but when it came to his friends, he worried—a little too much, probably.

        “Everything okay?”

        “Huh?” Baekhyun’s looked up from the ground, meeting his eyes. “What do you mean?”

        Sehun shifted his snacks from one hand to the other, trying to come up with sensible words. “You seem distracted.”

        Baekhyun’s eyes widened. There was an awkward pause, then: “Do you mind if I try something?”

        Sehun raised an eyebrow questioningly.

        Later, he’d wonder if Baekhyun had only asked to be polite, because he wasn’t the kind who was patient enough to wait for answers. One second Sehun was mid-shrug, and the next Baekhyun had pushed himself onto his toes and pressed his lips to Sehun’s. He was too shocked to react, noticing first the immense softness of Baekhyun’s mouth, but more so the lack of a spark, the kind of electric energy he was used to with Luhan.

        Baekhyun held himself there for a few seconds, unmoving, not breathing, until he pulled away after what seemed like an eternity. Sehun just stared at him, waiting for an explanation—through surely nothing could explain this.

        Baekhyun looked sheepish. His cheeks had reddened slightly. “Sorry,” he mumbled, eyes downcast again. “I just wanted to see what it was like.”

        “What?”

        “Kissing a boy I mean.” Baekhyun took a deep breath, then let it all go. “I called the cops, Sehun.”

        The younger boy blinked. “I—what?”

        “It was me.” His voice had fallen to a whisper. “I called them.”

        Sehun only vaguely remembered something about the police crashing the party, but Baekhyun’s words were starting to make a little more sense now. “Why?”

        “Chanyeol.” Now his voice was breaking. “He followed me, and he was right _there_ ,”—he gestured with his hands at the space directly in front of him—“and I just, I panicked. I panicked, and I called the cops. It’s all my fault.”

        Above the unwelcome hum of the vending machine, Sehun could practically hear the sound of Baekhyun’s heart cracking open.

        He felt very awkward standing here in the lounge, balancing several bags of chips and cookies in his hands as Baekhyun’s eyes filled up with water. He had come to the worst person for comfort, Sehun thought.

        Baekhyun just sighed, and then backed away. Finally, Sehun opened his mouth.

        “Are you afraid of Chanyeol?”

        The boy’s head snapped up at the question. His eyes were even wider than before.

        “What? No, I—” His voice broke. He brought his hands up this mouth, choking slightly on his words. “I don’t…think so.”

        Sehun couldn’t tell if Baekhyun was shivering from the cold, or something else. He bit his lip. His arms were starting to tire. “Just talk to him.”

        Baekhyun shook his head, and then sighed again, resignedly this time. Then, as if suddenly remembering: “What happened with Luhan?”

        Sehun’s heart throbbed painfully harder against his ribcage. “What?”

        Baekhyun looked away, toward the doorway. “I saw you and Chanyeol coming back from his apartment.” His gaze was gentle when their eyes met again. “Did something happen?”

        “It was nothing.” Sehun nodded at Baekhyun quickly and then turned on his heel, aiming for the doorway. He wasn’t ready for questions, and Baekhyun didn’t ask any more—only watched him leave.

        When Sehun glanced back, he saw the boy staring at his hands, head hanging low in defeat.

*****

        He didn’t want to go back to his room. He felt guilty, suddenly, for being the way he was. He remembered the relief, seeing Chanyeol standing in Luhan’s doorway, there to exist as his savior. And he remembered Chanyeol’s hair, disheveled and messy, remembered his sad eyes and his voice breaking at _“and Baekhyun…”_ In his drunken state he might have wondered what that meant, but if so he had soon forgotten.

        He was afraid he would find Chanyeol awake, and he wouldn’t know what to say.

        So when he crossed the wet grass and got to Pearl, he just kept walking. Somewhere along the way he’d gone through two bags of chips, stuffing the empty wrappers into his pockets when he was done with them, stowing the rest of his snacks in his back pockets for later. It was dark, and quieter than it had been when he’d first ventured out, but the campus lights were more than enough to keep his path aglow. From far enough away the lamps could have been wishing stars, except Sehun couldn’t think of anything to wish for.

        Eventually he found himself on the other end of campus, the little park where most commuters brought their dogs and discussed breeds. He dropped down onto a bench, wondering if sleeping here violated the student handbook—

        The sound of metal scratching against metal. A gasp, or maybe more of a shudder, followed by heavy breathing. His first thought was the obvious one, until he heard what sounded like crying, right after. He got to his feet, wondering whether he should pursue the sound.

        “Why are you crying?” A male voice, sharp and accusatory. The muffled crying continued deepened after the last syllable.

        Sehun wanted nothing more than to just leave, to stuff his hands into his pockets like he was used to and walk away from what was the all-too familiar sound of lips meeting lips: soft, wet, prolonged. Instead, he edged towards the parking lot until he could see silhouettes; the girl’s back against the only car, the boy’s hands curled around her wrists, holding her there as he kissed her. The girl broke away, long wavy hair swaying at the sudden movement. “Stop it.” Her voice shook but was louder, steadier—and familiar.

        “You love me, don’t you?” the boy whispered back hoarsely, and his mouth was on hers again, forcing it open, his body pressing against hers.

        Sehun stood there, frozen between the possibilities of fight or flight. He could leave. He could forget he saw any of this.

        He took a deep breath.

        “Hey.”

        That had sounded more threatening in his head.

        The unlikely couple finally broke apart, the boy stumbling back in response to Sehun’s sudden confrontation. The streetlamp that should have lit up the parking lot was broken—Sehun could barely make out their faces. But when the girl turned at the sound of his voice he already knew who it was, for he’d seen her only the day before: Eunji, the friend of Amber’s. Her bottom lip was cut and bleeding, where Sehun could only guess the boy had bitten her in the midst of hungry kisses. He thought of Luhan, and was surprised at the rush of anger building up inside him.

        “Who the hell are you?” The boy was glaring at him. Unlike Eunji, both his voice and posture were unfamiliar. Sehun could see a mouth curled into a sneer, and that was it.

        “A friend of Eunji’s.” That sounded safe. “What’s going on?”

        Behind him, Eunji sniffled. She seemed to have regained her confidence, for she shoved past the boy, marching toward Sehun, bangs hiding her eyes. “Go home, Hanbin.”

        The boy looked startled. He reached out. “Ji, wait—”

        “Don’t call me that,” Eunji said without turning back. She took ahold of Sehun’s arm; he could feel her shaking.

        “Let’s go,” she whispered, only to Sehun, under her breath. He still couldn’t see her eyes. Hanbin was quiet behind them. Sehun nodded, leading her back the way he’d come, past the park, past the science buildings. At some point her shoulders sagged and her breath came out in small hiccups. Sehun didn’t have to look to see she was crying. They walked slowly, making their way across Crow Circle, towards _Pearl._

        Eunji paused and looked up at him. Her eyes were red. “You must have a lot of questions, huh?”

        Sehun shook his head. “Not really. Are you okay?”

        She chuckled. “You’re a weird one, alright.” Then she smiled, reassuringly. “I’m okay.”

        “He always like that?”

        Eunji’s smile looked sly. “So you _are_ curious.” She exhaled. “No, only when he’s—” her breath caught. “Only when he’s mad.”

        Sehun frowned. “He was mad at you?”

        “No, not at me. At something. Anything. It doesn’t really matter what he’s mad about. He just…forgets who he is.”

        “We’re still ourselves when we’re mad.” Sehun didn’t know where the philosophical thoughts were coming from, but something about Eunji’s honest eyes made him want to fill the silence with words. He swallowed. “We don’t just…turn into someone else.”

        Eunji perused this for a second. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I just don’t want to believe it, huh?” And she looked down and kicked at the grass with her feet.

        He sensed a finality in her tone and didn’t push further. Then, as if just realizing she’d been holding onto Sehun’s arm for the past half hour, Eunji pulled away quickly. She shot Sehun another smile. An unnecessary façade.

        “Thanks for stepping in,” she said softly. She tilted her head at the third building on Crow Circle. “I’ll be fine, now.”

        Sehun raised an eyebrow. “You live in Wave?”

        She nodded. “You?”

        “We’re neighbors. I’m in Pearl.”

        “Oh. Pearl, huh? Are you—”

        Sehun surprised himself when he laughed. He was too tired for the standard question. “Don’t ask.”

        This time her smile was easy, real. “I won’t.” She nodded at him, and then bowed once to show her gratitude. “Good night, Sehun.”

        He didn’t move until he saw her completely disappear behind Wave’s double doors. Then he shoved his hands into his pockets and was surprised when his fingers touched empty wrappers. He sighed, heading back towards Pearl. Baekhyun’s story. He’d almost forgotten.

        He hoped Chanyeol was asleep.


End file.
